As registration time rolls around again, I am seriously considering not renewing my midwife registration this year. Why? Certainly not by my own choice, but because others decided that I wasn’t good enough. In one breath saying my work was exemplary, but that they just had no place for me – in the midst of a midwife shortage!
We all know the saying – nurses and midwives eat their young. We’ve seen it, we’ve probably experienced it, and I dare say some of us are guilty of it, whether we realise it or not. We may even have tried to fight it. There is plenty of research proving that horizontal violence exists at high levels in healthcare settings. I won’t delve into the specifics of my case, as it is still, after 2 years, being fought. Suffice it to say that not only were my colleagues on the floor involved, but the intimidation and bullying also extended to management at a local and district level, and also to human resources. I followed union advice to the letter…and ended up terminated! As a result, I can no longer work in public health – despite a perfect work record and excellent references. That’s right, I did not have any performance issues, and my case involved an incident outside of work, yet I was still forced out and blacklisted, whilst on maternity leave. All because I fought back and stood up for myself.
What ensued for me personally, after the original incident that set off the “investigation” (and I use that term loosely), was a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil, disbelief, burnout, and a frightening vulnerability that I had never experienced before. I was at the mercy of those around me, and the harder I fought the accusations, the worse things became. You see, I am not one to just lay down and admit to things that just aren’t true, even if it destroys me in the process. To submit to the “findings” and subsequent working conditions would have been a lie, and went against the very fibre of my being. Many people told me to just submit and move on, but if everybody did that, nothing would ever change, and the bullying would just continue. One voice is not going to be a catalyst for systemic change, but maybe my story can create awareness and prevent even one other person going through this. Maybe it will encourage others to speak out – and THEN we can create some real change!
My biggest issue with the whole thing, was that I was never given the chance to properly defend myself. I received a written warning for one of the accusations, which was never even brought up at the one “interview” I was granted in the entire 9 month ordeal. My privacy was invaded, medical records were accessed, appointments changed without my permission - confidentiality was well and truly broken, and yet nobody would even listen to my side. I suffered through suspension, “alternate” duties, being blocked from returning to work after maternity leave, AND blocked from working in another local facility – all with an unblemished work record! I even moved 600km on the promise of a midwifery job, only to arrive and have HR put the kibosh on that, despite being in a completely different health district. So here I was, in a town where I knew nobody, broke, isolated and unable to work. Because other people, many of whom have never even spoken to me, let alone met me face to face, decided that I was dangerous. Yes, that is the word they used. Dangerous to patient care because I stood up for myself.
Dangerous? Far out. I have dealt with the end result of dangerous practice. I valued my registration too much to be dangerous! I annoyed doctors if I thought even the slightest thing was not right. I got that “dangerous” label because I fought back. I said no, I was not going to submit to unproven accusations, I wouldn’t agree to a lie. I would not comply with a “voluntary” mediation process that would have destroyed my already fragile mental health. And for that my career was crucified.
The dark road that I walked is not one that I would wish on anybody. To this day I still do not understand much of what I was accused of. I never saw any of the “evidence” against me, despite asking for it, as I am legally entitled to do. I completely lost myself. I lost my desire to work as a midwife, even after working so hard to attain it. I questioned everything about myself – and I doubted everything . I lost valued friendships. I struggled to enjoy my pregnancy and to bond with my baby when he was born. I lost my income, and being the breadwinner, this put my children at risk. My mental health declined to the point that I could not function, and with a new baby on the way, this was even more disastrous. I did not sleep more than 3 hours a night since it all began, and the anxiety was so bad I couldn’t even answer the phone or my front door. I became a prisoner of my own mind. My children suffered immensely, in particular my autistic child.
So where to now? I no longer work as a midwife. I work in a nursing home. It’s a good recovery job, I enjoy working with the residents, and it encompasses my other passion of palliative care. But obviously it isn’t my first passion. I gained my nursing degree in order to continue on to be a midwife – and right now I am glad I chose to get a nursing degree first be ca it meant that I could still get a job! It feels as though all the time and effort to first qualify as a midwife, and then to gain my Master of Midwifery degree, were wasted (and anyone who’s done the RN to RM year knows just how tough it is!). I am obviously in danger of losing my midwife registration if I cannot work as a midwife. I could go into private practice but I don’t have the recency of practice to upgrade my registration, and I don’t know if I have the heart for it now.
From my perspective, the system is set up to defend the multi-level bullying and intimidation, with the bullies free to continue their lives and careers. And I am not alone. There are many more stories like mine out there. Passionate, skilled nurses and midwives who have given up their careers after they couldn’t take any more. Ridiculous investigations that are not conducted by qualified people, and set the victim up to fail. New graduates who don’t even last the year before giving up – what a waste! (I endured plenty during my grad year, but I was able to tough it out.) We need change. We need it now. In a system that is crying out for skilled nurses and midwives, why do we keep pushing them away? I can’t believe that the health system would invest a lot of time and money into so many people, only to destroy them. It’s counter-intuitive.
The best advice I can give is to go in with your eyes wide open. Make those diaries, every day, and don’t be afraid to speak up at the slightest hint of trouble. Don’t let the shortcomings of others dim your fire. Be the sort of nurse or midwife that you would look up to and respect, that others can look up to. Lead by example. Speak up for yourself and others, because nobody else will. Maybe if we all start to speak up, change will happen – but always be aware that the system will not protect you. I had to learn that the hard way.
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