Your experience is not her experience

Following on from my clickbait post, I was reading another blog today, written by a woman who suffered birth trauma, and severe PTSD. She was still struggling 4 years down the track.

Cue the ill-informed comments. I couldn't count the times I saw "you got a healthy baby, that's all that matters" or "get over it/suck it up." None of this helps, in fact it makes women feel worse because they then think there is something wrong with how they feel.

 Then there were the women saying that they went through a similar experience and are fine. Well, that's good, for them. But remember, your experience is YOUR experience, not hers. YOU WERE NOT THERE. You have no right to assume that because you are happy with how your birth turned out, another woman should feel the same. She is not you.

And then there are the "so many women can't even have a baby and you're complaining about your birth not going to plan" comments. IRRELEVANT. Infertility and birth trauma have nothing to do with each other. Invalidating a woman's experience because you think she should be grateful that she got a baby is wrong, and does not help the situation. Both are equally valid situations, that can and do cause distress.

Psychological injury is as real as physical injury. It can debilitate a woman, to the point where she struggles to look after her baby. I find it particularly sad that the woman above was still having a rough time 4 years later. It is deplorable that she felt so isolated and judged that she could not seek support from other women - but I can see why. The internet has a lot to answer for, I believe. So many poorly informed and judgemental voices, hiding behind the security of keyboard anonymity. We would be better off supporting women through whatever rough stuff comes their way. It's amazing just how much a simple listening ear will help.

Please...avoid the click bait!

Yesterday, I read a post all about how we should stop telling women not to have epidurals. The writer followed with a rant clearly based on personal experience, and clearly lacking in evidence and understanding, even going so far as to claim that epidurals are perfectly safe. Then, of course, all the super defensive comments about who had an epidural, who didn't, and all the gory details of their personal experiences, and the judgements...oh, the judgements! Everybody knows what everybody else should do! Well, guess what? Everybody else is not you, and can make their own choices!

(ETA: The writer of the abovementioned article is not a birthing or medical professional.)

These articles are becoming commonplace, whether the topic be epidurals, caesareans, breastfeeding, bottlefeeding etc etc - all they do is add fuel to the "mummy wars" that are so prevalent these days. They are designed only to gather pageviews, and certainly not to provide unbiased, accurate information. Not to mention the ridiculous headlines designed to suck you in.

As a midwife, I advocate for normal birth. But as a midwife, I also advocate for women's choice, and facilitate that choice by providing information on the risks and benefits of the available choices. I would be negligent if I did not offer all the information. Epidurals do indeed have risks, as do any other interventions, no matter how benign they may seem. Thankfully, most of the time everyone is fine, but women do need to know that they aren't "perfectly safe." It is not our place to be telling women what they should or should not choose for their own birthing experience. We can make recommendations, we can share our knowledge, but we cannot influence or decide for her.

If you want an epidural, ask for one. If you don't want one, don't ask for one. If you are determined one way or the other but change your mind during labour, that's okay! But please, avoid the clickbait. These inflammatory articles don't help anyone. They just perpetuate the fear and control of women that infiltrates modern medical childbirth. Talk to your care provider, they will help you decide what's right for you, not some random article on the internet.

Scream all you like ladies!

I was reading this post after it appeared in my facebook feed, and it got me thinking. It is absolutely correct in that there are innumerable ways for women to labour and birth, and finding what suits you is as individual as your fingerprint. It then goes on to talk about women feeling that they have to be quiet once in the hospital birthing room - and whether we as birth professionals perpetuate this.

I have seen it in my own practice - women can and do feel self-conscious about the sounds they make. I am often asked if the room is soundproofed, to which I usually reply "no, but if people don't like it they don't have to listen" or something to that effect. Social conditioning is difficult to overcome, even when our body is giving signals that we can't ignore. Some women get into "the zone" and are quiet, others are moderately noisy, and others will bellow and howl and shake the walls with their noise. And they are ALL fine!

Women do best if they can let go of their conscious self during labour, and allow their instincts to take over. Some women are better at this than others. The worry about screaming and yelling is all part of our decorous self not easily giving in to our primal self. We see the "animal" part of us during labour, and it isn't always what we expect or want from ourselves. But it is there and is an essential part of who we are.

Partners and support people also find vocalisations difficult to bear. They can see that their loved one is in pain, or struggling to cope, or ready to give up - but feel powerless. I have seen many women try to cover up their instinctual reactions for the benefit of their support people. It's in the nature of many women to do this.

So for me as a midwife, all I can say is this: SCREAM IF YOU WANT TO! Let it all out. Labour is about YOU and nobody else, so do what you need to do.

The endless debate. Make it stop!

Of course "breast is best." It's normal. But what do you do when it doesn't work? Valiantly try to soldier on because it is expected, becoming more and more stressed and anxious as the days go by, or do you face the wrath of the breastapo and bottle feed?

Well guess what? It is YOUR BABY and YOUR CHOICE!

For me personally, I can't understand why a woman who IS capable of breastfeeding would go to the expense and extra work of formula feeding. The stuff is expensive, even more so when you take into account buying all the equipment that goes with it. And then there's the extra washing up! But each to their own. In Australia today, infant formula is a safe and acceptable way to feed babies. Breast is best is the catchcry, but that doesn't mean formula is worst.

Another thing I don't understand, is that as soon as anyone mentions infant feeding, super defensive comments from both sides appear, and the arguments start. Why do we do this to ourselves?! It makes no difference to any of us that another woman chose something different for her baby. There is no point to prove here. Mind your own business and concentrate on yourself.

And never, ever feed your baby in public. If you breastfeed a baby in public, you are an exhibitionist flashing yourself for attention, or a filthy grub who should go and hide in a toilet to do that disgusting thing! If you whip out a bottle, you are a terrible, selfish mother who obviously doesn't have her child's best interests at heart because you chose that evil formula. Whichever way you feed, you are the subject of ridicule.

Women! STOP. Just stop this crap. And make sure your partners do to. This feeding war is not doing anyone any favours, least of all our babies. The risks and benefits of both methods are well known, and easy to find. Make your choice based on those, and what works best for you and your child, and don't let anyone bring you down.

Make your decision and own it. It's nobody else's business.

Hello, and welcome to my new blog!

Select Midwifery is all about choice. Sadly, in Australian maternity care, choice is often lacking. Women often end up in the production line, one-size-fits-all approach, especially in rural areas. We need to stand up and change this, because every woman and every baby are different!

Having experienced "the system" as both a consumer and a midwife, the blog may reflect either, or both, of these perspectives. I hope to also include guest bloggers from time to time, so please feel free to contact me if you have something to share that is related to pregnancy and babies.

Please enjoy my blog!